What if I don't?

A friend of mine was reading my blog few months back, in fact last year, and out of the blue she asked me to watch the movie Julie and Julia. I asked her what the movie is about, and she told me it was about how a woman, passionate about cooking, starts a blog and finds life being a lot more worth living and fun. I don’t know why, but it enlightened an instant spark and I went around asking every Tom, Dick and Harry if they had the movie. Not to mention I finally got the movie last night from my friend herself.

I saw the movie and my oh my was my body filled with goosebumps. I am sure I will not do justice to the movie if I read a movie review, and more importantly this is not a movie review. I don’t really know if my friend asked me to see the movie because I wrote quite a few recipes and cooking related posts then, but I actually felt a lot connected to Julie Powell. I am not very happy with where I am now, and how my life is moving on. I miss being with my parents, with my best friend, miss chatting with my sister and in fact miss a lot many things. I love to write, and feel complete, content and happy when I do that, and so the blog. Though I don’t really know how well you all think about it.

The first few months I started a blog, I felt like I was invisible and not very many people saw or heard or read me. And I used to keep whining to my mother day in and day out that my followers list would just  not rise beyond 10. And she asked me if I was writing to become famous or because I loved it. And voila I had my answer. Then all I wasn’t very concerned about increasing my followers list, though I still get very excited when I see one more added in my list. After all you want comments to improve, don’t you?

And now my mother gets very happy when I tell her about my blog. I remember once when I had written a post about how my mother reads my blog, I had got a few comments from shocking friends asked if my mother actually read my blog and that they would rather die if their parents went through their blog. How could I not let my parents read them? They are the reason for it to begin and grow.

I would really really like to thank Priyanka for helping me out with the way my blog looks and in a way helping me gain a lot more followers. We do have personal problems, but when it comes to writing I cannot and will not lie, you are a maestro in it.

Everytime I think of starting something new, I always ALWAYS have the question ‘What if I don’t complete it’ roaming around my head. And most often I do not complete it. For example, I was extremely excited in starting a new year calendar, which I have completed. But I am just too lazy to get it spiral bound and flaunt it on my study table. So nope, I have not completed it! But who knows maybe someday I too might be like Julie Powell, and my answering machine would be filled with a lot more than 64 messages, lol! I will always have my mother as Erik to push me through!

P.S: As of now please pray that I do an ok job of the seminar due tomorrow. I am so very tensed and scared (nothing new though) and I am sure I am going to make a fool out of myself, like always. Now you know what I meant when I was talking about my confidence level!

Dreams can change you

Rahul and Samantha were just done with the hundredth fight for the day. What were they fighting over? They themselves were not very sure. All they knew was that the very sight of each other made them crave to run away from each other. Or at least that is how Rahul felt like.

It was probably a lot harder for Samantha, since she fought against her parents for him. She betrayed and left them for him. She was thrown out of the church, since she had a Hindu husband. She was denied the right of baptism for her daughter, since she did not have a church to call her own. In short, life was hell for the first few years as man and wife with Rahul. But now, it turned out to be a lot more difficult. She missed him, and still loved him. Probably a lot more than when they were in college. But she was unaware of the reason for the sudden change in Rahul for the past few years.

He enjoyed being with his friends rather than at home. He enjoyed returning home late at nights drunk and out of his senses. He enjoyed beating Samantha once he returned home, for ‘sweet’ nothings. He enjoyed hurting her, and she enjoyed being hurt.

This time, they were returning from a party, where they had no other choice but to bare each other’s sight. It started off with Rahul complaining about her talking to another guy instead of to him. He was busy talking to another lady, and so the fight went on. The next thing Rahul knows is opening his eyes with tubes stuck to his noses and the beep of the ICU monitor. And the news of Sam’s death.

After a month’s stay at the hospital, Rahul returned home, which didn’t really seem like home anymore. Shreya was the only person who helped him with coping back to life. Her smile reminded him of Sam’s smile. When she got angry, he remembered Sam getting angry when he scolded her. When she cried listening at him getting angry, he wished Sam was there for him to beg forgiveness. He missed her, he wished for her to be with him, for him to caress her, to love her, the way she loved him in return.

But life had to move on. And so it did. He had a tough time looking after Shreya all alone. He left his alcohol bottles and the ‘evil’ friendship that came along with them. He devoted his life to bringing up Shreya in the best way possible, to make her happy, him happy and most of all Sam happy. He got back early from work, spent time with Shreya and helped her with her homework. He managed to make her eatable meals, which she had without a word of complain. But she asked about Sam at times. Too young at her age to accept the fact that she would never she her mother ever again, Rahul hid the fact till he thought was the appropriate time. But at times, he felt he was cheating on her. But he loved too much and the fear of losing her as well kept him going.

While walking to a nearby restaurant on a sunny Sunday afternoon, with Rahul busy on the phone, Shreya prefers walking on a zig-zag manner, only to fall and be hit by a speeding car.

With the thud of the plate, Rahul gets up. He realizes it was all a dream. He ran to the kitchen, to see Sam scared, for if it were a usual Sunday, Rahul would now be beating Sam for being clumsy and ruining his precious sleep. But today she saw him running towards her and hugging her. She felt him next to her. She felt hi loving her, the same way he loved her in college. And she returned the hug, hoping he would never go back to that sinful person that he was before his dream.

P.S: Sometimes people forget to express the love and feelings they have towards each other. and that is when God pinches you with ‘nightmares’ as they are called, to remind you that you better hurry up before it is too late.

A few changes I wish I had made...

 This morning I was sipping my hot cup of coffee, when a thought sprang upon me. There are a lot many incidents where I wish I had acted differently, or better said I wish I had spoken out rather than just keep mum. On the contrary, there are other moments when I wish I had just kept mum rather than blabbered things I wish I hadn’t!

The first scene that comes into my mind when I think of any ‘bad moments of my life’ would be the scene at my college. I was wiling away my time, when one guy dashes around towards me and accuses me of complaining about him to our Sir. After that incident I realized there is no use of trying head over heels to justify yourself to others, so I believe that I did no such thing and was planning a trip with my friends! So when he screamed at me, I should have asked him what the number was before 1144992!

Instead I screamed along with him, and boy you don’t want to know how huge, HUGE, that ‘nightmare’ of mine turned out to be.

Scene 2:

My bestest friend ever in this whole wide world was justifying her point about why she had asked me not to talk to a particular person. I was adamant and stubborn as I always am to people whom I am not afraid to be so. She stopped talking to me for nearly a year, thanks to the jack ass! So, yah, obviously I learnt my lesson and completely agreed on what she was saying about him. I should have joined her and bitched about him a lot more.

Instead I just kept quiet and silently agreed to everything she said. In fact I did include my points mentally. Don’t think anyone else would understand that, except her, because she kept quiet the moment she saw my head hung low, and came and gave me a huge hug. Ha, you have no idea how relieving that was! I guess that is what best friends are for.

Scene 3:

A girl came over one night and blasted her thoughts about how she thought my friends were and that I don’t know how to choose them WISELY and stuff! She was just another random girl I knew, and personally she had no right to barge into me, in the middle of the night, to talk about people whom she has no clue about. I should have let her know a bit of my mind and told her not-so-good things about her friends.

Instead I kept quiet, let her walk out of my life, and called my friend and started crying! I mean how stupidlyinsane was that! Why would I cry? But I guess if she, or anyone else for that matter, would return and accuse people who are really close to me, I would still keep my otherwisebigfatmouth shut! Is that bad?

So ya, I guess these are a few moments that are really close to my heart. For the sole reason, they taught me who my actual friends are! Just roaming around hand in hand during the happy times are not your friends. Having to have a not-so-nice poster in your name stuck all around your college and still have people stick around you no matter what, I guess those are my true friends.

A lot does happen over coffee J!!

P.S: For those who haven’t understood what the number before 1144992 means, it is a fabulous way to calm yourself at moments where you are sure you will blast off majorly! Count numbers the other way round. During cases of extreme outburst start from a really large number, like 1144992! Try it out. I am sure it will help you. It helped me!

Unexpressed Words...

The sun seems to be asleep

Since darkness surrounds me

You showered me with so much love

That I seemed to be incomplete without you

I pleaded, I begged

But you left me incomplete

You moved on, while I was stuck

My legs trembled, with the fear of falling down

But I held on, till I too moved on,

But my love still remains strong and pure

Waiting for you to return

To complete me

P.S: I am welcoming myself back after a really really long time :)!!! I have been going through a rough time, and I guess it is that time when I have to say that I should love myself a lot more than before. The change in the header is my first step to a new life!!